just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
