Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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