it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
