Taylor Swift is so right about you.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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