If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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