the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
