You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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