Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
