i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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