The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
