Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
