Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
