i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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