I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
