I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
