i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
