I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
