Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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