please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
