A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
