can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
