How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
