Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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