just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
