i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
