dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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