oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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