Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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