so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
