Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
