My balls are so social today.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
