My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
two words: eviction party
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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