If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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