I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
