Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
