I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I checked into jail on foursquare
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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