Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
