I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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