In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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