sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He shit in the fireplace
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
