hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
