I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
