I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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