i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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