Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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