Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
