you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
