Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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