smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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