1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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